OK, I am fat - and here's how horrible it feels!

Quite literally, I am the elephant in the room.... I always start my talk by saying: "You know, my job is so stressful - when I started about a week ago I was a size 12 and look at me now!"  

Why do I do that? Why do I self-deprecate? Why do I feel I have to acknowledge it in such a way for us all to move on? Because I am a solid, fat woman.  

I can own that word - "fat". I am fat, there's no getting away from it. I'd describe myself as a series of quite large blobs and boxes. I don't think there's a single part of me, apart from my wrists, that is small. 

My face is just a big circle. My 46F boobs keep my stomach warm - actually I have several stomachs. I have stretch marks and mottled skin  

Society has its own sort of perception of people like me - we are disgusting, fat, slothful, lazy, incompetent, stupid. 

By being so visible and taking up so much room, in a strange way I am also quite invisible. People kind of clock you and their eyes slide off you. I feel bullied, slighted and ridiculed.  

Although some people assume I am body-positive, and applaud for me for this, I can't help but feel full of loathing and hurt that my fat won't shift.  

Claiming the word "fat" isn't easy, but I feel it's the only way I can describe what I am.  

I wonder if some of the things I do are to justify my place in the world. There's the charitable stuff and my good behaviour. I wear the "good manager", "good friend", and "good daughter" hats as best I can.

"People say I am digging my grave with my spoon!"

I'm lucky in a way because I am the stereotypical fat woman - funny, independent, I have lots of friends.  

I get why people look at me and think: "Jessica, how could you be that fat?"  

The answer is simple - a lack of control, a lack of confidence and of love for myself. If I really think about it, I can't really value myself if I allowed it to get to this point.  

I have so many bottles of classy Champagne, condiments and spices. If I was slimmer, I could easily be labelled as a food connoisseur because it's a passion of mine.  

Sometimes when I'm in the supermarket I glance down and think: "I don't know who else I'm buying all this food for." I have to remind myself I'm not shopping for a family of four and it's only me.  

It's kind of sad that I'm comforted by food rather than other elements in the world. It's quite lonely to have such an odd relationship with food.  

I spend probably on average two to three hours every day in the car because of my commute. I sit in the car, get out and then sit in my office all day. I really would hate to think about how many steps I actually do take every day, because I imagine it's probably less than 100.  

The eating combined with my osteoarthritis and other disabilities doesn't help - the additional weight on the joints isn't a positive impact.  

The phrase I've heard other people use is: "I'm digging my grave with my spoon."

I did swim, but don't any more. I am too embarrassed to step into a swimming pool. I hate even walking on the street because of how fat I am ….  

And when I have to buy clothes I feel like I don’t want to live anymore! 

I haven’t been with a man since my last boyfriend dumbed me 3 years ago and I am afraid that I will spent the rest of my life alone and unloved ….  

"Just lose weight." I hear that all the time from family, friends, colleagues, doctors...  

It's not rocket science - I know that. Less calories in, more calories out, but that means effort, doesn't it? 

It means having to motivate myself and persevere. There are times when I feel that I can do that and times when I can't. 

I have to be honest, I can't be bothered. Why can't I just be accepted for who I am?  

People are constantly judging me. I think it's fear. They project their fears upon me because I am a reflection of something that they could become. 

They tell themselves that they've got control, they're sensible, intelligent and no way would they ever get to my size. But let me tell you, I was you once and you could be me.  

Sometimes I do get that big is beautiful. At those times I look in the mirror and think I look great.  

My weight can also be my strength. I can walk into a room and feel strong, so when someone says something mean it bounces off me. I'm impervious to it.  

Some days I use my fat as armour, and other days it's like a shroud. 

My world is filled with contradictions, but I blame no-one else. The only person I can hold responsible for my position is me. However, I refuse to accept the size I am. This is not who I was meant to be.  

If I accept it then I'm telling myself that I've given up and I don't want to give up.  

I'm not looking for sympathy. Just being able to tell people how being fat honestly feels for me is a fabulous opportunity to kick me into doing something about it.. I think being a size 14 or 16 would be enough for me...

If you are over 30 pounds overweight right now, things will only GET WORSE FOR YOU, according to thousands of studies!